Are You Listening?

Are You REALLY Listening?

Are you listening? Or are you hearing? Maybe you are over-listening, to words, I am not saying but you think I am, because you think you know me, because you THINK you’ve got me pinpointed. They say it just takes a little patience…but how much is a little defined when it comes to you? Because I often find my patience is wearing thin, because half the time when you talk it’s over my head and when I ask for clarification you often get frustrated and tell me to forget about it? Well what if I DON’T WANT TO? I want you to SPEAK TO ME, not OVER me.
It’s not an age gap issue, as I thought it once was, because I know that I can clearly communicate with any adult and be able to intellectually stimulate my brain in the process.
Why can’t I do that with you? What is it about you that’s so challenging?
On the other hand, for me you require almost, if not all of my patience at the end of the day, because you are something completely new and ‘untouched’ by my hands. I’m used to being pushed far away into the back of the corner, and then being tightly suffocated into a bound around someone’s finger. I have been the spoiled, but the lied to. I’ve been told often times I am not good enough and still stuck it through, because that’s what the good girlfriend does, she sticks by her man whether he is right or wrong.
Are you still listening? Or did you revert to hearing?
I don’t want to be tightly bound around your finger but I don’t want to be pushed away, I want you to have your life, and I want mine, and what I do during me time shall not be judged, because once again you DON’T have me pinpointed.
You may think me a loner, and that’s fine go ahead and think, I don’t give a shit.
Because I choose to stimulate my brain, challenging myself with new rhythms, or playing with words. Alternatively, because I’d rather be cosmic bowling than at a club partying it up. Because I was raised to be the good kid, the obedient child, the one who grows up to be successful in her chosen field, but a house wife none the less. I don’t judge what you do, in your ‘me’ time. It’s not my place.
BUT just so you know, I didn’t used to be the loaner.
it just sort of happens when you begin to lose your friends to freak car accidents, and house fires. Or when your best friend tells you, that you have no right to be moving on with your life, because she has yet to move on with her own. It happens when you graduate from high school with your best friend and you move on to college without her, and you are forced to grow and cultivate new relationships. It’s not easy making a new best friend when you can trust no one around you. And the only two other people you have left in your life, are in Greenland or in Oregon, getting on with their own ‘new’ lives. I’m alright spending my nights at home, I’m at a point where I’m ready to settle down, and start a family, finish my degree and have my own classroom, I’m READY. I don’t need to party and have lots of friends, I just need a few good friends and some really good food. But don’t let that fool you, it’s not like I’m saying I don’t like to go out and do shit, I honestly do, it’s just I’d rather not do it as much as most people do.
I don’t need to have a glass of alcohol and a cigarette to have a good time. I just need entertainment, food, and laughter. I am a family person, my life revolves around it.
Do I still have your attention?
If not, stop reading and come back to me later.
I do not like it when you speak to me, in a language I do not fully understand, and it is not because I’m not capable. It’s just you talk so damn weird and it takes awhile for me to catch on, I think I once told you, I like it plain and simple, I may have at the time used the word ‘blunt’….but I meant plain and simple. Simplistic words on ordinary paper speak the loudest. I want you to speak with me, and to me, not over my head and into a world that I have never set foot into.
I’m not ready for that journey.
Please do not forget that I am still fighting to find out who I am, because my life revolved around family, up until I met you, and you forced me to see things your way.
I lost, probably one the most supportive people in my family on my 16th birthday, and although at the time all that I could muster was anger towards that person for taking my special day away, I regret it now, and it is the only reason I continue to take leaps on my journey through a world of classical music.
A friend of mine died in a freak car accident and I still have not recovered, because he was like my family.
Almost two years ago on may 17th another family member as well as several others, but I speak of this one because he was dear to my heart passed on. He did not live to see me graduate from high school but I know he was there the night of when my cousin knew I needed a shoulder got me drunk and ate my stir fry, even though I knew it had all gone bad because earlier that day someone else made it about them as this person usually does and it went downhill from there.
Special Days do not warrant their time on me.
Now after losing these KEY people in my life plus my three best friends, and starting college…things in my life are moving on MY TIME. And that is when I have ME time.
I do not think of myself, I think of those around me and the goals that are set to make the community, or environment around me better. You can bet I’d much rather spend my time making sure your okay and your happy, then spend time making sure I am happy. It’s just how I know to make things work.
Keep reading, come on you can do it!
BUT SEE, you, oh you are so different. You are able to come and go as you please, and of course that’s warranted, because you are a big boy, and although at times you don’t not act like one, you never seem to let me forget how strong you are. Just because you’ve experienced your life, does not mean you are wise. That’s right I said it, experience is nothing gained without observation. That’s how we achieve wisdom in this life.
You have a job, and you were on track to finish a degree in a place that was your personal circle of hell, with your own deemed Satan. I have news for you, your not there anymore, your in my personal circle of hell, so lemme tell you New Kid, you don’t fit in and that’s attractive, but now it’s time for you to come off your cloud nine so I can show you the ropes. The past is the past…that’s why it’s called the PAST. Tomorrow is the FUTURE and that’s why it’s a gift, and today, well you can only deal with the problems you have today…today…and when you close your eyes and drift off in blankness and you reawaken it’s a new day, and it’s a whole new set of problems. So think critically and if what you did yesterday didn’t work out so well, broaden your horizon and try something different.
You made it on your own at a young age, and I get the feeling you think everyone should be just like you, well forget it, some of us, need a completely stable environment 100 percent of the time. Some of us have a desire to be on our own, but we’re not stupid and we’re not gonna put ourselves out there in a situation that could cause any form of malnutrition whether mental or physical. So we stay, in our hell, escaping the scorching heat by mere centimeters, and we will gladly suffer another day if we know that when we come home at the end of the day, we’re really coming home to place that is ours.

It’s alright to live by trial and error, just as you have done, but it’s only alright if trial and error is followed by succession in what you originally aimed for. Please don’t forget that.
You are strong in a way that I could only hope to put on paper, and you wade through things without thinking about them, and boy I only wish I could do that. But your baggage, and my baggage are not the same, your fighting the fight for the place you want to call home, and yet you seem to take no action in making it personally yours. Oh yeah, fighting with idiots will only put your name on the mortgage, and maybe the title when you pay it off. But your home should be a reflection on you, and to me…it’s a disorganized mess….that’s not what you really are. I know you’re a kind, gentle, loving, and extremely passionate person…show that to me. I on the other hand have to fight for a part of my life, because I’m sick of being silly putty. It’s my own fight, and identity crisis, is a personal thing, even when ones parents can’t seem to put that through their thick heads. I’m moving forward though…being a loaner kind of helps.

Please just remember, I don’t need you to tell me when I making a good or bad life choice.
Remember, you are not my brother, or my father, you are a friend and a lover. That is your place in my life, and I do not appreciate it when you tell me what I can and cannot say and to whom. I do not like it when you tell me to shut up within 2 minutes of getting on the phone with you; it’s not the way to treat me. If your gonna get buzzed and be an asshole, then do so without calling me, I don’t have the energy for that shit.
I need you to call me and say hi, or just simply send a text my way, so I know your alright and things between us are cool. I don’t need three hour conversations every night. Occasionally, but I’m not needy in that sense, yes I need attention but I’m fine getting cute messages before bed time, even if it’s all you say…that’s cool…for now.
I need for you to experience new things with me, like cosmic bowling, rock climbing, ice skating, laser tag, come with me for a drive, and just get lost, because we all know getting lost always brings out amazing experiences.
Show me what a real boyfriend is, and for christs sake LET ME IN! I mean god, let me do your dishes if I cook and don’t complain. Let me meet your friends and form my own opinion for myself. And LET THEM form their own opinions of me. Let me show you who I am, without you trying to analyze every part of me, because I’m not all about the frustrated tiny insignificant tantrums, and I’m not getting what I want because I’m a spoiled little daddie’s girl. MY GOD I am far from it, and if that’s what you thought, then you my boy are far fetched.

Updates and of Course There's Some Rants

BOOK UPDATE:
Lately, i've been a bunch of questions about the newest edition to my novel series. Do nathan and aribella make it? What happens with Kaia? Are Joel and Taylor still together? Are the boys going to be more into this novel? What's the major conflict? Well lemmee tell you all Chapter 1(The Things I Do) is underway and if you want to know what happens you'll just have to keep on reading. I know it's slightly addicting but i'm writing as fast as I can. I promise before you know it you'll have book two bounded and finished before your eyes. Thanks for the support and comments though it means a lot.

Life Update:
I'm now into mid semester of my first year and already I feel that I have exhausted all my patience...I feel a lot smarter in my classes than I probably should. That's not a good thing. My favorite teacher is for once my band teacher...One guy who knows what working and hard and having fun doing it means. I wish he could duplicate all my teachers. I really do. Work is as usual work...a bit slower and a bit more stressful, but what isn't in our lives right now? Can't wait till i'm 19, endless possibilities. Home life is ever changing, which i can't help but notice. I'm rarely home during the week but when i am i'm generally alone, or i am sleeping. I see my parents for about 3 hours (if that) out of my day. it's not that upsetting. I feel we are growing a part. I have a new boy in my life. He's mr. amazing, and he makes me super happy. ITS EXTREMELY different for me, and as i always say it's begun to become a learning process, and i'm happy to learn. No other details to give you here(none that i'm willing to share anyways).

The Daily Blog:
Arizona driving. I HATE ARIZONA DRIVERS. to the extent that i now scream at them in my car. There are idiots at 8:00 in the morning trying to back up in the fucking intersection. Who does that shit? i mean really? There are others doing 60 in a 40 and worst people doing 30 in a 40. People swerve out of lanes to avoid the valley metro bus, it's going to cause an accident one of these days. Another is that people can't freaking decide whether or not they're going to stop. on my way into the parking lot at school there was a line of cars waiting in the intersection, all because this one idiot decided it would be fun to start stop ever 2 feet in the parking lot, because he can't drive his SUV. SO FREAKING ANNOYING!

Look for another blog next week...or later this week if i have time....BTW there's a new SIMS3 game coming out...you can check it out here at www.thesims3.com Also The Trans-Siberian Orchestra is coming to phoenix for 2 performances on the 6Th of December! Tix are reasonably priced.
And New Moon the second installation of the twilight movie series has a new trailer you can find at www.stepheniemeyer.com on the movies page. That's set for release on the 20Th of November!

.Let love and Be Loved.
*Angelia*

Who I Am

Who I Am
I am a flightless bird standing on rocky ground. I struggle relentlessly to be seen as an adult in the eyes of my parents. I depend on music to pull me through my depression days, and nothing else, I’m afraid if I tell anyone how I really feel they may judge me in a light that is undesirable, and create a mental picture that is untrue to who I am. I am musically enlightened; playing the stories of others pleases me. I write to break the chains of norm, and when someone asks me “Who are you?” my response is a screaming silent emotion of happiness, anger, sadness, and frustration. I am the girl who will change a life with simplistic words on ordinary paper. I am the girl who everyone dumps their issues on, and I hold it in like a honey bee. I listen as my friends talk, because I know their parents only hear them. I am the loving one, the one who wants a simple life and a small family. I am the one my own parents depend on to help pay the bills. I only tell my fears and problems to the only one who really cares about me, because I believe he’s the only one who understands the hardships life has forced upon me. I work to keep afloat, but it’s barely enough, the struggling life of an emerging adult is not an easy one. I know in ten years it will come back to me tenfold, because as they say you get what you put in. I am the one who is afraid of getting old, not dying. I am shy when people ask me to describe myself, as if they’ve never seen me before. I am blue eyed with blonde hair, and I am judged simply on my looks because of blonde jokes. At the end of the day I am the strong one. The cheerful face when the whole world happens to be crushing down on your shoulders.

I am someone who loves big band music and I hate it when people make me listen to screamo or techno. I love school and I don’t like to be made fun of for it. I am the only child in my family to go on to college with the hopes of actually earning a degree and graduating from it. I am determined and strong willed. I am reluctant and stubborn. I am the youngest child in the family, and I hate how it makes my parents feel they need to treat me differently. I am technically the little sister, but in reality I play the big sister to my big sister. I am technologically capable and I have issues with people who don’t do the posted speed limit. I am the “go-to” in all aspects of my life, my job, my family and my friends. I am an adult temporarily stuck in a teenagers’ body, I can’t force people to see or understand that concept, and I can only ask and hope they might. I am generally cold even though it’s usually always over one-hundred degree’s in Phoenix, Arizona. I’m impossible when it comes down to watching horror movies, and I hate when characters are injured. I’d prefer to watch something funny, or something adorable, rather than something a typical adult would choose to watch. I really am sociable; I just don’t like it when others cloud my bubble. I am an open book, waiting for someone to discover the incredible journey I’ve been continuing for the last eighteen years. I am an aunt. I am a lover and a dog owner, and I don’t agree with cats. I am a child of poverty who became a child who learned the meaning of true hard work. I am a boss, and I am a friend. I’m the girl who’d rather be tearing up her knees climbing up a rock wall than having a massage or pedicure. I’m the girl at the back of the class waiting for someone to light the creativity I know I have. I am gifted in my own right, and it did not come to me over night. I have worked years to become these puzzle pieces; they make the bigger picture that is me. To some people I am the world, and I am perfectly fine with that.

Time!

Time is Relavant...! Heard that somewhere? How about time is irelevant? It really is. Why do we as americans depend on time? all the time? Can't we just wake up and look to see if the sun is out? or can't we just make time for that movie we want to see even though it could possibly be a 2 1/2 hour movie...Why do we always find ourselves asking "do i have time?" YES YOU HAVE TIME!!! you just think you don't, because your too busy running around all the time; and when you're not running around, your either sleeping, or cleaning the house, taking care of the kids. When was the last time one of us really made time for ourselves? If we all made this so called 'time' for ourselves, we might be nicer people, because we've destressed by actually taking care of ourselves. Admit it we as americans are consumed with TIME! how much time is it going to take to cook the pizza? how long is this show? what time do you have to go to work? what time will you be home? how long are you going to be gone?

doesn't it get annoying after awhile? So for the next week i challenge you to not base your life on time! Try it. See how much better you feel doing things on your own time. yes, i understand there will be circumstances where you will have to be 'on time' for things...but try to work around it.

Have a Great Non-Time Consuming Experience.

Short update!

It's finish, and by it i mean my book!!!! Had it printed up this morning! YAYAYYAYAYAY! Anywho, i didn't fall on my ass at graduation, thank god! and there's 33 days till i go camping!

I Get The Award For Worst Blogger In The World

At the end of the day of everyday, i find myself exhausted and unable to continue the journey from the front door to my desk to possibly get on the computer and write. Instead i decide that it is more important for me to sleep then to write. To tell you the truth the months of April and May are always the hardest on everyone. Most people are busy working their days away, or going to school, gearing up and getting ready for easter, and mothers day. But then may comes around and prom is a given for late April and early May. After prom everyone is so excited because school is finally out and well, the SENIORS have decided to go out with a bang right before they walk those long steps to the stage and recieve their diploma. I think a Congrats needs to go out to those seniors, after all they did wait 12 years to get that one little piece of paper. So because of all these things i have no written, nor is there much to say, other than well that stupid swine flu going around. I mean come on, you stupid idiots that have it, dont go out socializing if your sick its that easy, no one else wants to get sick. Most of us can barely afford to go to the doctor.

As for my book i think i have 1 or two chapters left...I've finally killed of the parents in a not so morbid way, giving just enough detail for a single tear to trickle down your face as you read it. Well i hope it wont be as long next time i write. Ill try to post some prom pictures.

Angelia

My Fault

Okay, so it has been brought to my attention that i don't update anything enough? So here i am bringing you a list of updates. Let's see. It's march now, i think the last time i wrote was sometime in January. I've been quite busy since then. Catching up on two weeks of school work. GEH! I've also been working my butt off, i'm trying to save up for a little sporty SUV. I'm not sure which one yet. I've also completed two very heartbreaking chapters in my story. And i've finally come to a decision on my finale in the book. So that's a bit exciting. I've also enrolled in college. I'm quite excited about that. Although it's more stressful than it is exciting. Prom is coming up! Don't have a date...or i do he just doesn't quite know i've decided to go with him.

Ahhhh Sims 3 was pushed back to June 2 Quite livid about that but at least i'll have it before my vacation in July.
Twilight was also recently released in DVD. Ovbiously i had that bright and early that morning.
I've also managed to pull a 4.0 in my last semester of SCHOOL!!! GO ME.
and graduation is 28 school days away!!! yippee! I'll write again soon.

Screaming Violins

Don't you just love to hear electric violins play pop music? It really is amazing i suggest you check out Nuttin' but Stringz. <<<>

Anyways here it is...Another friday... Spirit day at school, Fantastic. Actually it wasn't but it gave me some ideas for my bookk! We had a Pep assembly. That was pretty WOW! Haha they used to be sooo fun, and now they well suck. See we have this horrible administrator who is really all about sameness, like no competitions, um....no rallies or rigged senior spirit sticks... She makes EVERYTHING REALLY BORING... kinda like a modern umbridge. <<<>

Okay, here's an update on the progress of my book.
Book is good, but going slowly this week, i haven't really felt motivated in the least. I'm having trouble coming back to a scene in a female's prespective, because i keep feeling like something else needs to be written first. but idk maybe i'll write that scene and get back to the other one.

This Weekend

Friday was just unlike any other friday, i woke up and dragged my butt to school hating every second of it. I picked up my graduation stuff and stumbled towards the bandroom to get the things out of my locker and tripped going down the stairs to my car. When i finally got home and got lunch on the stove best buy called me and said they had a wii fit, and i had to skip lunch and duump it down the drain to go get it. Then my best friend Mariah and I went off to walmart to replace my work clothes...as if i needed to spend more money and things. and we headed to chipoltle and back here to my house to work on my book. I love to work on my book with her because she always has some kind of imput to give and she catches my stupid mistakes.

Saturday rolled around and i worked outside in the garden department and got rained on and bit all afternoon not much fun, i made pene al a vodka, which was really good and played the wii fit the rest of the evening.

This morning i attended my first lesson of yoga and am completely embarrased that i can not do the majority of the poses we are learning... i left more frustrated then when i showed up. I went to work and pretty much covered all the not so lovely breaks and lunches and then we had dinner with the family. Now im here complaining about my weekend and working on my book...WOOT!

Have a happy monday!

Screw Thinking Like a Man and When Reality Hits

Okay, so now i know why female authors write they're perspective as a female and men as a male. With the exception of a few extremely talented writers. Anywho I gave my first shot at it today, it's horrible, not going to lie. After i pulled my hair out a couple of times, drank two entire coffee's (Which is a lot for me...) went to school and took a napi managed to pull some editing on the male character in my story...that turned out pretty well, but i can always do better. I probably shouldn't be switching point of views in the story, so as usual, I will once again re-write this chapter...

Enough about writing, I recently turned 18, not to mention I also spent the next two weeks at home sick. ungh! Anyways I got into an argument with my parents because as usual i feel like the whole world is crashing down on me. Car payment, Car insurace, 2 Full times jobs, School full time, and my medical bills...How the hell am i supposed to pay for all that? Let's not even talk scholarship because i've finished filling out my fair share of applications...I don't like the idea of financial aid, but i know that if i don't apply for it, then i'm screwed! I havent decided on a college yet, I've been accepted to my priority school because it's extremely close to my home, ASU!!!! but i've decided that i can't afford it, and i don't want to be paying off those kinds of loans straight away sooooo community college it is... The problem is, i can't find one that has the options to major in what i'm interested in... Well yes not just being an author, i'd like to go into publishing and if all else fails i will fall back on a "Shrink" degree. Sometime's i just wish i was five again.

The Preface To My Book

He stared at me, as I fumbled with the zipper on my old and tattered jacket. He was waiting for my answer. An answer I wasn’t thrilled or ready to give. I didn’t want to choose, but I knew ultimately what I wanted. I wanted to figure out the mystery; I wanted to somehow become a part of it. “Natalia, the answer?” he said aggravated. “I’m not ready…I don’t have an answer” I replied. I didn’t want to face him. I knew that his glacier blue eyes would simply put me on my knees. “I’m sorry.” I whispered “I just can’t”. “You need to get over it, seeing you like this…it’s killing me.” He replied before he walked out the door leaving me alone without knowing whether or not he would ever grace my existence again.

The First of What Might Be Many...

It started with that stupid Twilight obsession. Until then I was alright with my choosen line of work. I wanted to be a Psychologist, how that ever came about I have no idea. I remember that day sitting in art complaining because I had nothing to do. One of my new friends forced a book into my hands and told me to shut up and read. They all knew that I loved to read, but nothing had sparked my interest lately. I looked at the cover and in bold letters it had Twilight printed across the front... I flipped it over and looked at the back. The first word that caught my eye was Vampire. I threw the book back at her and told her it wasn't my kind of thing. She then shoved it back into my hands and said give it a try. So what did i do? I read the first five chapters and I became unable to put the book down...Book one eventually turned into book two and three and then four. Then i was researching the Author and was intrigued at the writing process, so here i am deciding that i find writing more interesting than picking peoples brain apart.