Are You Listening?

Are You REALLY Listening?

Are you listening? Or are you hearing? Maybe you are over-listening, to words, I am not saying but you think I am, because you think you know me, because you THINK you’ve got me pinpointed. They say it just takes a little patience…but how much is a little defined when it comes to you? Because I often find my patience is wearing thin, because half the time when you talk it’s over my head and when I ask for clarification you often get frustrated and tell me to forget about it? Well what if I DON’T WANT TO? I want you to SPEAK TO ME, not OVER me.
It’s not an age gap issue, as I thought it once was, because I know that I can clearly communicate with any adult and be able to intellectually stimulate my brain in the process.
Why can’t I do that with you? What is it about you that’s so challenging?
On the other hand, for me you require almost, if not all of my patience at the end of the day, because you are something completely new and ‘untouched’ by my hands. I’m used to being pushed far away into the back of the corner, and then being tightly suffocated into a bound around someone’s finger. I have been the spoiled, but the lied to. I’ve been told often times I am not good enough and still stuck it through, because that’s what the good girlfriend does, she sticks by her man whether he is right or wrong.
Are you still listening? Or did you revert to hearing?
I don’t want to be tightly bound around your finger but I don’t want to be pushed away, I want you to have your life, and I want mine, and what I do during me time shall not be judged, because once again you DON’T have me pinpointed.
You may think me a loner, and that’s fine go ahead and think, I don’t give a shit.
Because I choose to stimulate my brain, challenging myself with new rhythms, or playing with words. Alternatively, because I’d rather be cosmic bowling than at a club partying it up. Because I was raised to be the good kid, the obedient child, the one who grows up to be successful in her chosen field, but a house wife none the less. I don’t judge what you do, in your ‘me’ time. It’s not my place.
BUT just so you know, I didn’t used to be the loaner.
it just sort of happens when you begin to lose your friends to freak car accidents, and house fires. Or when your best friend tells you, that you have no right to be moving on with your life, because she has yet to move on with her own. It happens when you graduate from high school with your best friend and you move on to college without her, and you are forced to grow and cultivate new relationships. It’s not easy making a new best friend when you can trust no one around you. And the only two other people you have left in your life, are in Greenland or in Oregon, getting on with their own ‘new’ lives. I’m alright spending my nights at home, I’m at a point where I’m ready to settle down, and start a family, finish my degree and have my own classroom, I’m READY. I don’t need to party and have lots of friends, I just need a few good friends and some really good food. But don’t let that fool you, it’s not like I’m saying I don’t like to go out and do shit, I honestly do, it’s just I’d rather not do it as much as most people do.
I don’t need to have a glass of alcohol and a cigarette to have a good time. I just need entertainment, food, and laughter. I am a family person, my life revolves around it.
Do I still have your attention?
If not, stop reading and come back to me later.
I do not like it when you speak to me, in a language I do not fully understand, and it is not because I’m not capable. It’s just you talk so damn weird and it takes awhile for me to catch on, I think I once told you, I like it plain and simple, I may have at the time used the word ‘blunt’….but I meant plain and simple. Simplistic words on ordinary paper speak the loudest. I want you to speak with me, and to me, not over my head and into a world that I have never set foot into.
I’m not ready for that journey.
Please do not forget that I am still fighting to find out who I am, because my life revolved around family, up until I met you, and you forced me to see things your way.
I lost, probably one the most supportive people in my family on my 16th birthday, and although at the time all that I could muster was anger towards that person for taking my special day away, I regret it now, and it is the only reason I continue to take leaps on my journey through a world of classical music.
A friend of mine died in a freak car accident and I still have not recovered, because he was like my family.
Almost two years ago on may 17th another family member as well as several others, but I speak of this one because he was dear to my heart passed on. He did not live to see me graduate from high school but I know he was there the night of when my cousin knew I needed a shoulder got me drunk and ate my stir fry, even though I knew it had all gone bad because earlier that day someone else made it about them as this person usually does and it went downhill from there.
Special Days do not warrant their time on me.
Now after losing these KEY people in my life plus my three best friends, and starting college…things in my life are moving on MY TIME. And that is when I have ME time.
I do not think of myself, I think of those around me and the goals that are set to make the community, or environment around me better. You can bet I’d much rather spend my time making sure your okay and your happy, then spend time making sure I am happy. It’s just how I know to make things work.
Keep reading, come on you can do it!
BUT SEE, you, oh you are so different. You are able to come and go as you please, and of course that’s warranted, because you are a big boy, and although at times you don’t not act like one, you never seem to let me forget how strong you are. Just because you’ve experienced your life, does not mean you are wise. That’s right I said it, experience is nothing gained without observation. That’s how we achieve wisdom in this life.
You have a job, and you were on track to finish a degree in a place that was your personal circle of hell, with your own deemed Satan. I have news for you, your not there anymore, your in my personal circle of hell, so lemme tell you New Kid, you don’t fit in and that’s attractive, but now it’s time for you to come off your cloud nine so I can show you the ropes. The past is the past…that’s why it’s called the PAST. Tomorrow is the FUTURE and that’s why it’s a gift, and today, well you can only deal with the problems you have today…today…and when you close your eyes and drift off in blankness and you reawaken it’s a new day, and it’s a whole new set of problems. So think critically and if what you did yesterday didn’t work out so well, broaden your horizon and try something different.
You made it on your own at a young age, and I get the feeling you think everyone should be just like you, well forget it, some of us, need a completely stable environment 100 percent of the time. Some of us have a desire to be on our own, but we’re not stupid and we’re not gonna put ourselves out there in a situation that could cause any form of malnutrition whether mental or physical. So we stay, in our hell, escaping the scorching heat by mere centimeters, and we will gladly suffer another day if we know that when we come home at the end of the day, we’re really coming home to place that is ours.

It’s alright to live by trial and error, just as you have done, but it’s only alright if trial and error is followed by succession in what you originally aimed for. Please don’t forget that.
You are strong in a way that I could only hope to put on paper, and you wade through things without thinking about them, and boy I only wish I could do that. But your baggage, and my baggage are not the same, your fighting the fight for the place you want to call home, and yet you seem to take no action in making it personally yours. Oh yeah, fighting with idiots will only put your name on the mortgage, and maybe the title when you pay it off. But your home should be a reflection on you, and to me…it’s a disorganized mess….that’s not what you really are. I know you’re a kind, gentle, loving, and extremely passionate person…show that to me. I on the other hand have to fight for a part of my life, because I’m sick of being silly putty. It’s my own fight, and identity crisis, is a personal thing, even when ones parents can’t seem to put that through their thick heads. I’m moving forward though…being a loaner kind of helps.

Please just remember, I don’t need you to tell me when I making a good or bad life choice.
Remember, you are not my brother, or my father, you are a friend and a lover. That is your place in my life, and I do not appreciate it when you tell me what I can and cannot say and to whom. I do not like it when you tell me to shut up within 2 minutes of getting on the phone with you; it’s not the way to treat me. If your gonna get buzzed and be an asshole, then do so without calling me, I don’t have the energy for that shit.
I need you to call me and say hi, or just simply send a text my way, so I know your alright and things between us are cool. I don’t need three hour conversations every night. Occasionally, but I’m not needy in that sense, yes I need attention but I’m fine getting cute messages before bed time, even if it’s all you say…that’s cool…for now.
I need for you to experience new things with me, like cosmic bowling, rock climbing, ice skating, laser tag, come with me for a drive, and just get lost, because we all know getting lost always brings out amazing experiences.
Show me what a real boyfriend is, and for christs sake LET ME IN! I mean god, let me do your dishes if I cook and don’t complain. Let me meet your friends and form my own opinion for myself. And LET THEM form their own opinions of me. Let me show you who I am, without you trying to analyze every part of me, because I’m not all about the frustrated tiny insignificant tantrums, and I’m not getting what I want because I’m a spoiled little daddie’s girl. MY GOD I am far from it, and if that’s what you thought, then you my boy are far fetched.